AN IMMENSE JOURNEY IN CONSCIOUSNESS
A MOST PROFOUND EVENT
In February, 2002 I participated in a "Sacred Healing Circle" that was being done here in California by shamans (spiritual healers) trained in Peru.
Since ancient times, tribal people have used this kind of ceremony as part of their own mystical and spiritual practices. These sacred gatherings utilize extremely powerful plant medicines for visionary and healing work. In this particular circle, the shamans used the plant medicine Ayahuasca, which has a feminine essence. This plant medicine facilitates access to higher centers of consciousness and altered states of awareness for spiritual expansion and insights. Profound experiences are possible as the trappings and limitations of the personality are lifted. Emotional wounding and dysfunctional patters are often exposed so they can be examined and dealt with.
Ayahuasca tends to push through the intellect, allowing direct access to the instinctive center where changes of energetic response patterns can occur. The medicines also assist in purging, cleansing and detoxifying the system on all levels physical, emotional and energetic.
Prior to this event, I was asked to observe a special diet for three days before the event and for three days after the event. I was also told to become clear on my intentions on this "journey". The intentions I came to were:
To understand why a beautiful Russian woman I loved deeply separated from me abruptly and unexpectedly.
To understand and heal my own emotional wounds which obstruct my ability to love, and to have deeper intimacy with a woman.
To penetrate all the sorrow that arises from such a painful event of separation. and loss
The circle began on a Friday evening at about 8PM and lasted most of the night. There were about 10 other people beside me. We each drank the Ayahuasca tea, and we were told to "co-operate" with the "medicine" because, if we resisted where it was taking us, we could become very sick. I was able to do so, and suffered no ill effects at all.
Since, I had no experience with Ayahuasca prior to this event, I did not really know what to expect. My "journey" took me to places in consciousness I had never been before. If I had not done all my spiritual work prior to this event, I do not think I could have gone as deep, nor could I have withstood the awesome power with which all was revealed.
There was ceremonial activity, music, and individual spiritual healing work occurring throughout the night, but mostly, for each of us, it was an internal journey to places in consciousness where we needed to go.
Since all of what I am about to describe occurred in a visionary and altered state of consciousness, I cannot know for certain what is true and what is not. It certainly all seemed real and possible to me. However, you of course, must decide for yourself, what you will accept or not.
With respect to the "past life" revelation that I will describe, neither the Russian woman (who I will refer to as "A") nor I could have consciously known about this prior to everything occurring. If we had known, it might have prevented the events from unfolding in the way that they did.
Now, here is what happened for me, as best as I can recall:
As the medicine began to take effect, a golden web of light appeared the strands of light seemed to connect all that was manifesting as one arising even in consciousness. My body filled with bliss. So much energy began to move through me that I could barely contain it almost as if I was about to explode.
Then I saw a vision of "A" and I making love, she riding on top of me in sexual ecstasy. Suddenly, I was 'in" her body experiencing her ecstasy it was the same love-bliss I had been experiencing as I perceived the oneness of all things. And I realized that when A make love with a man she loves deeply, she is uncommonly open. In fact, in that state, she is open to communion with God, even though she may not know it. The capacity she has to do this is not ordinary at all certainly not in my experience.
And in that state, a woman like her becomes extremely vulnerable. For "A" to continue to open like this in sexual love, she must know to trust in God. If she does not (yet) know this she must trust her lover completely to open to such an extent. It is natural for her to do so when she is in love.
And if she has wounds from previous life experience, and she has not learned yet to trust in God, then any violation of trust (real or imagined) by her lover, hurts her most deeply.
Unless she has healed her own wounds and can truly forgive, it is too painful for her to open again with a lover she does not trust. Such a one is "A".
Sometime after this, one of the shamans came to me to do some healing. He did so in ways that I did not understand, but all the same, I felt the effects very strongly. After some time, the shaman whispered to me:
"Your pain from this woman is your karma. Somewhere in a past life, you abandoned her and a child. She came to you again in this lifetime only to make you love her again and then to abandon you in return. The debt of karma is now re-paid. You are forgiven."
This revelation stunned me. I immediately recalled a dream that I had several nights earlier. In this dream, I was somewhere in a foreign land I did not know. I was in a large building, sitting on the stairs with a lovely, dark haired woman who seemed familiar to me, but I had never seen her before.
I was crying and calling her "A", asking her to forgive me and take me back. She looked at me with coldness in her eyes and said nothing, but I could feel she would not forgive. I remembered awakening, and wondering about the dream and this woman.
After the shaman spoke and I recalled this dream, I knew that woman was "A" in another life. What a horror to feel that I was a man who had hurt her long ago.
Then, I thought about how we encountered each other in this lifetime. "A" picked my photo from those of many men she could have chosen. I responded strongly to her photo and letter when first she contacted me. And when I saw her in Budapest the first time we met, she turned to me and said, "Is it really you?" and I fell in love with her immediately. This was not just romantic "love at first sight". It was recognition prior to present awareness.
I then recalled several events that occurred when "A" was here in California with me.
One night, we were lying together and "A" asked me about my dreams for the future. I said something about "wanting to serve and teach others with my spiritual wisdom", and she reacted strongly to my words. Even if this was not in her awareness, somewhere in consciousness, she must have felt "how could this man (me) who abandoned his wife and child (her, in our past lifetime together) have anything to teach anyone?"
And some of the things she said to me during our nights together, I heard her say to me again:
"Why not take a risk and keep me?
You can lose big, but you can also win big."
"Aren't you afraid to lose me?"
"I don't want to go."
"If I go, I am afraid we will never see each other again."
And even though she "knew" (somewhere in consciousness) that she had to be this instrument of karma, "A" had fallen in love with me again, and if she could do so, she wanted to spare me the great pain that was to come.
Perhaps "A" was telling me that this was not necessary if I claimed her then. The debt of karma could be re-paid in another way then her having to abandon me.
And from Belarus, she wrote to me shortly before severing contact:
"You should not have let me go. I often remember our last night together the hardest and the best night in my life. I never thought I could love you so much.
I was amazed with the strength of my passion for you mixed with the pain of losing you
And so the "die was cast" prior to this birth. The cutting blade of separation was plunged into my heart. The karma fulfilled in one swift and merciless act, and I was left reeling in the same pain I must have caused her long ago in another life. After this revelation, I stayed motionless, filled with an immense sorrow, for a very long time.
Then my journey took me elsewhere. I saw myself as a little boy crying alone in my room. My father had abandoned my mother and I, when I was only four years old. I felt myself again in that little boy body, so hurt and confused, crying "Daddy, Daddy, where are you? Why did you leave me? Did I do something wrong? Please come back, I am afraid, and I need you so much."
It was perhaps more karma, I do not know. But feeling this time in my life so vividly again, I realized how deeply wounded I was by this, and how I have never really healed from that altogether. In fact, this wound affects my response to life, even now.
With respect to a woman that I love, even one I love as deeply as I loved "A", I also had difficulty trusting, because I feared being so vulnerable to her when she might abandon me (like my father did).
And here I was again, that which I feared hurting me the most, happened anyway. "A" had abandoned me.
This revelation was most important. I welcomed the self-understanding, and the healing that was occurring. I accepted the pain. And I felt I could take responsibility for what is mine. I then resolved to love more and not to blame or distrust another for what is only a reflection of my own past.
The journey continued with more revelations about women and the nature of man's injustice to them, but I think more than enough has been told for now.
There is only one last thing that seems important. Somewhere, in the midst of the journey, I recalled being in Yosemite Valley with "A". We were walking in the village and we passed a fat woman. She asked me something about whether I could love a woman like that, and I gave her my "a woman who keeps her body nice, gives her man a great gift" speech. In hindsight, I think she was actually asking me "Would I love her if she became overweight?"
In the midst of the journey, I saw how such a statement like mine, is actually wounding to a woman. It gives her the awful message that if she loses her looks and starts to get old (which is inevitable), her man will not love her anymore, and might leave her for a younger one.
This is cruel and insensitive, and actually another way that men try to control women. If I could go back to that time, I would say to her:
"I will love you always. I will hold your hand now when you are young and beautiful, and I will also hold your hand when you are old, and only beautiful still to me."
The journey ended the next morning with each person sharing something of what was revealed to them. Everyone took a vow of confidentiality with respect to what others had spoken of. However, the communications from each and all were quite amazing. I felt most grateful for having received all that I did.
After all that had been revealed, I only loved "A" more. But alas, she was gone forever from my life. I see "A" more clearly now than ever, and I have great compassion for her. I send her only love, only blessings, only heartfelt desire for her own healing and awakening.